This is a bit of a long story but it reminded me of the fighting rules of marriage.
1. Avoid "You"
2. Do not bring up old arguments
3. Nothing "always" happens
4. No name calling
5. Don't bring your baggage into the argument
We are currently experiencing a financial "retrofit." A ton of money goes into a savings account for the down payment on a home, more money goes to a bank loan we used to consolidate credit card debt and the rest goes to bills. We are fine, but the belt has been tightened. Due to our compliance with the new rules we often end up digging for change just before the next payday.
So . . .Saturday, DH was was emptying all of my bags and purses looking for change. He needed a coke and didn't have any money. We have a big jar of pennies but you know coke machines. Lucky for him, he came up with enough for one soda.
I found out he emptied every bag I own before I left for work Saturday night. I emptied my wallet of change plus my secret dollar bill so he could buy another soda Sunday. As I began to turn my bag upside down he said "There isn't anything left in there except pennies, I already took everything out."
This is fine with me. Instead of women's stuff, I normally have a purse full of change and money. I have a wallet and keep some money there of course, but if I throw some in my bag, which ever one I am carrying at the time, I always get a surprise when I / we need it most.
Well, having given all my change to Husband, I wasn't able to buy a soda for myself at work Saturday. It was a weird feeling having no money. THREE CENTS is all I had.
**We are trying to kick soda out or else we would save the money and buy a 12 pack. We buy cokes only when we just can't make it another minute.
Sunday night I pulled out an "emergency" backpack. It is a bag I use for light school days because who wants to carry a ginormous bag if you only need a notebook and pencil?
Jackpot.
The bag had a wide variety of silver in the bottom including a Susan B Anthony. Luck.
DH: How much is there?
Me: $6.30
DH: You better split that evenly.
Me: It's mine. It was in my bag.
DH: Split it.
Me: I am selfish.
DH: Yeah I know. I remember that year we first moved here, you drove my car and I drove your P.O.S and you blew your entire year's salary on food, clothes and junk.
Me: ??
A very small disagreement arose because I don't remember this. Yes, I drove his car for a year and he drove my P.O.S. I don't recall not paying any bills.
Me: Well, (rubbing his belly) you benefited from the food.
DH: Yeah and I supported your ass while you wasted $32,000.
I was shot right through the heart. I AM selfish; a nasty trait that was passed from my mother. I was so awful that I spent an entire year's salary on myself and didn't contribute one iota. I sat on the bed and just felt . . . this immense sadness. It hurt me.
I REALLY don't remember not contributing anything. I DO remember getting an End of Fiscal Year statement from my employer stating how much they paid me. I DO remember looking at it with him and being stunned. I made $32,000 and had nothing to show for it except $500 in credit card debt. I had no savings, no nothing. I keep thinking he is confusing this moment with reality. I just don't know.
Some how though, I didn't turn this into an argument. I took the bitter pill and just let it be. He is not without a serious transgression himself. A very recent, financial transgression that boils my blood. This was not thrown in is face or EVEN mentioned.
The lesson in all of this is a combination of several of the rules. We're calling it Rule #6.
6. Don't bring up the past, especially if your partner has changed her / his ways.
Kudos to me too for not taking the argument to another level.
